Vida. Risa. Amor.

I think God granted me my Christmas wish of "quiet" around mile 6 of my 12 mile jog this morning as the battery of my mp3 player died. So with no music, I needed any distraction so I decided to figure out what I'd write about in my next blog. The idea actually came to me last night on Christmas as we were all snuggled up watching a movie together. Chemo had Josie wrapped up in a cozy bear hug with their heads on my lap as we were reminiscing what our first Christmas with her was like 13 years ago...

It was our first trip to Mexico. I cannot verbally tell this story with out crying, and I'm sure I'll require tissues in writing it down. I think I was only 22 at the time, and Chemo and I had just gotten married the month before Christmas. Chemo's Mom was very sick and his sisters were urging him to come to his family's home in Mexico as fast as he could get there. Somehow our travel plans got mixed up and we had to stay in a hotel by the airport so we could travel the next morning...through middle of the night phone calls Chemo knew things were getting worse.

When we arrived in Mexico City we were picked up by Chemo's uncle and maybe 8 other family members that would all be traveling in the same vehicle for 5 hours to his home town in Ciudad Hidalgo. I was nursing Josie at the time so privacy was limited to the front seat between his uncle and Chemo. After the hussle of getting out of the airport I hadn't had a chance to use the bathroom so I was offered to find a bush maybe 20 feet off of the road. The sun was in our eyes for most of the 5 hour drive through through the hills and crowded towns and driving behind semi-trucks and buses made the air smell of diesel fuel. After about 3 hours of driving and a real bathroom stop, (though the toilets have no lids and you have to bring your own toilet paper), my newly introduced niece informed me of some devastating news. I understood enough spanish to learn that Chemo's Mom had passed away in the night and that they weren't going to tell Chemo until he got home and they wanted me to not say anything. I was faced with a sad reality that I was never going to meet my mother-in-law, and she wasn't going to be able to meet her grand-daughter named after her, and my husband, her 8th "baby" son, was going to be heart broken for not being able to say good-bye.

The moment we drove on the street of his mother's home, they stopped the car and told Chemo what had happenned. My heart broke for him in a thousand pieces as he tore out of the car calling out for his Mom trying to get in the house through the crowd of people that were gathered there. I almost started walking down the street since I didn't exactly know where to go, but a man who I recognized should be Chemo's brother greeted me and Josie with a hug and gestured for us to come inside.

It wasn't very often that a "gringa" came to town and I think I attracted a lot of curious attention. Introductions were eventually made and I was greeted by each and every one of my nieces and nephews and sisters and brother-in-laws with sweet kisses on my cheeks. Out of respect I never laid my eyes on my mother-in-law as I didn't want to remember her that way. I was thankful that I had been able to talk to her the day after we married. Though the days were filled with funeral preparations and catholic prayers and endless friends, family, and neighbors in the home, it was still Christmas and Chemo's sisters made a huge effort to make sure that wasn't overlooked. They loved our baby Josephina and there were never an empty set of arms to hold her.

13 years later, our baby girl halfway grown up, it was a sweet sight to see her wrapped up snugly in her Daddy's arms on the night of Christmas. When she sleeps, her long eyelashes still fall on her cheeks so beautifully.

...the best gifts for Christmas are when you're spending time with the ones you love.

I can't write. GI Joe is playing on our new blue-ray DVD while my boys take turns jumping off the coffee table to the couch. My mind is and has been on overload. I've been second guessing myself all day with issues with my kids. How much texting is too much for a 13 year old? Do we have enough milk to last for the next two days? Do I spend enough time with them? Are some of these PG13 movies corrupting their minds? Should I sit and practice reading with Aydan instead of letting him play another game of Wii? Did I tell them I love them lately? I've been to CVS, the gas station, Walmart twice, ordered a birthday bouncy thing online, to Safeway, The Elephant Bar with the kids to visit Chemo, the mall, dropped the kids back home, and then back out again to deliver a meal to a good friend. Why am I out in the chaotic stores two days before Christmas? I'd rather be sipping hot chocolate and looking out my window at a backyard filled with snow. Simpler times. I'm waiting for that "Christmas spirit" to sink in any time now. If only I could just be still and have quiet for a few minutes...

I love the moments after a chaotic experience when you can finally sit around and laugh with everyone involved and reanalyze the craziness that had happened. The other day I was out with 3 good friends who refer ourselves as "the preschool mom's", (since we all met a few years ago during the time our now 1st graders were in preschool together...and we joke that our kids will be teenagers together someday, and we'll still call each other the preschool mom's). So I was out with these 3 fun people to see New Moon since it was 2 of them which recommended that I read the Twilight books in the first place, (best book suggestion ever!!) After about 20 minutes into the movie I got a panicky phone call from Josie. I was only on the phone for a few seconds and I thought she was telling me that Rylan was choking and couldn't breathe...so she quickly hung up as she told me she was calling 911. As I'm left stunned in the hallway of the theater with my heart pounding out of my chest thinking Rylan couldn't breathe and not being able to breathe much myself, I knew I had to get home. I needed to move, run, scream...but my brain came back on, and I asked to borrow my friends keys and tried to drive as calmly as a Mom of a choking 3 year old could possibly go. Of course it was the day that every snow bird in Arizona was driving in front of me with shoppers from the mall chatting in the middle of the parking lot. After my 90th call back to home on my cell phone, a fireman answered and told me not to worry or speed, and that it was just that my son had a bead up his nose.

He was breathing. He. had. a. bead. stuck. up. his. nose.
Thank you firemen. Thank you God.

So I didn't have to speed like a maniac for the last 2 miles home and when I finally got home my son was sitting on the couch with a plastic fireman hat on, clutching a home-made teddy bear they gave him, surrounded by probably 10 very tall & good-looking firemen staring at him along with my daughter and her friends, my Mom and some neighbors. With all 55 of us waiting in my living room for that bead to get out, and a few suggestions of using tweezers, I tried to bribe him with his sippy cup of milk and blue ni-ni and after a couple of brave blows it finally came out. My teenage daughter and her 2 friends were so relieved, and the fireman were able to go back to work. Before they left, they let the kids check out their truck and asked what Rylan was going to name his bear, so I suggested we name him Bead, which gave us all a good laugh.

I guess it's pretty likely that most kids eventually stick something up their nose, and it's better that it wasn't a cinnamon red tic tac like I had done at that age, (which burned!) Looking back I'm thankful for a lot: That Josie called for help and had friends over for support, that I have Mom friends that have been there and can help me laugh about our kids, that there are goodlooking firemen...I mean that fireman come to our rescue quickly, that I had makeup on and cleaned my house that morning, that I had already seen New Moon twice already, that I got a chance to drive a super awesome car and didn't crash under the circumstances, and that Rylan is fine and wasn't in a worse situation that I don't even want to imagine.

Oh yeah, and the beads are well out of reach and hidden now.

It's usually November during Thanksgiving time that reminds us to think of all we're thankful for. It must take more practice, because I think I almost went through a season where I've forgotten how to be thankful. I've been trying to change the way I think about the things I "have to do", to the reminder that I "get to do" them. My life seems both simple and complex in being a "stay-at-home-Mom"....(though I don't agree with that title, because being a Mom doesn't always require you to stay home). For too long I've been worried or pressured into our culture's way of thinking we're all supposed have or be something more....more....more. I've had enough of that stress. I had a reality check when my 3 year old was tugging on my arm while I was on the computer demanding that I help him zip up his pants. My reply at first was, "is that all you think I'm here for?"....and after I thought about it, it's true. I am exactly that person to be here for little details like that: to vacuum up all the popcorn seeds off the couch, to have lunch ready when the kids come home from school, to hang up Christmas decorations, to help the kids plan sleepovers with friends, the list goes on and on. It's not that I just have to do those things, it's that I realize I am privelaged to be able to be the one to get to do them. I often think ahead to see the down the road my family is on and it's going at such a fast pace! I hope to make a better effort to make the most out of the time I am given with my family, to stress less, laugh more, and to live thankful.

I spent my entire Sunday cleaning & organizing with the hope that it would get the family ahead for the week. Well, now it's Monday morning, and I'm pretty sure my good intentions backfired. I don't really enjoy writing about the stresses of motherhood, but it is possible I might look back on days like today and realize how "easy" life actually is right now....meaning, that it sometimes scares me that the older my kids get, the harder life might get later on down the road. With that positive outlook stated, the basic mood I am feeling right now is frustration. As a parent I try to set "rules" in the hopes that my kids will actually obey me and understand that I care. I can remember the very last thing I told Josie last night was to make sure she called me when she got to the bus stop this morning. (She is determined to walk to a farther away bus stop where her friends go, which is fine, but we just want to make sure that she let's us know each morning that she gets there safe and sound). No messages were left on my cell phone or home phone today...though I'm sure if I checked I'd see texts in the hundreds from the weekend between her and her friends. Lanie was up late Sunday night doing homework when I saw her all afternoon playing football with her buddies outside, all the while claiming she didn't have much homework to do. Also, she decided to show me her progress report Monday morning which had an F on it for writing. She had many side notes scribbled on it apologizing for the bad grade, and "please don't be mad Mom, I'll fix this!"....So basically she was waiting for the last second to show me the bad news. On the way to take the kids to school I realized that I had never gone through Aydan's back pack and found about 15 practice books I was supposed to be practicing with him over the weekend on, plus a newsletter with his new spelling words, and a lunch box with his rotten leftovers in it. Someone really should have told me that it is a part time job helping a first grader keep up with homework!! So back to home with dishes piled up in the sink, laundry waiting in the washer to be thrown in the dryer, and a bagillion other things to still get done, my 3 year old for some reason wet his pants again and is screaming at me to fix it. I love my kids. I really, really, really do, and I usually like a good challenge. But I'm exhausted and emotional, and tonight it would probably be in everyone's best interest to have their Dad deal with them while I figure out a way to make myself disappear!

Usually people reflect at the end of the year of all the different things they've done or accomplished, but I've spontaneously found myself in a moment in November where I'm able to ponder life a little. We're absolutely, positively, with out a doubt, in the busiest season I've ever seen my family in. I finally get why people have loads and loads of their kids wallet sized school and sport photos stuffed in drawers....it's because who has the time to sit and cut them up and then pass them out anymore!! Aydan just finished up his football season and was so excited about getting his very first trophy. Just this past Saturday I watched Aydan's game at 8, Lanie's game at 2, then Josie's game at 4....(it was also a tournament weekend for Josie so she had 2 more games on Sunday). I honestly LOVE watching my kids play. I get chills just watching Lanie make it around the bases or making a big crack at the ball, or Aydan quickly grab a flag and hold it high in the air for his "fans" to see, and Josie doing her "messy" soccer moves with such serious speed. I should probably be doing better with my half marathon training, but I'd rather sit and watch my kids play any day. I switched my plan of doing a full marathon to a half since doing a full marathon is just way too much of a time and energy commitment right now. I figured I've been a Mom for 13 years, as it is also my 13th wedding anniversary in a couple weeks...so maybe 13 is my "lucky" number this year. Sports will probably always be a huge part of my family's life and I'm reminded to be thankful that my kids live in a climate where it's 85 degrees in November so they can keep playing games they love.

The beach is truly the best vacation location for our family. We just spent a week at Puerto Penasco and it was actually hard to leave this time. In October the weather is perfect there and it is just the right time of year for us to be able to get away before all the busy holidays.

I was able to spend a few mornings and afternoons alone just walking down the miles of unclaimed beach. Before this vacation a million different activities and responsibilities had been taking up me and my family's time and it was just such a nice change of pace to be able to take a break from it all and not have a single thing on schedule to have to do. There is something absolutely overwhelming about standing in front of a huge ocean alone with no noise to hear but the waves with the wind on your face and the sand beneath your feet. With nothing to distract my attention, I always seem to have my heart to heart moments with God there. I came home completely refreshed and energized and refocused.

I was also surprised when I noticed that it was very rare if I ever heard my kids complain about anything while we were there. And the best part of the beach is that all the fun stuff was free! (What a difference to Disneyland!) Aydan commented several times throughout each day that this beach was the best vacation ever. He wanted to get up to go jogging early with me one morning to hunt for the biggest shells that I had found a couple miles down the beach. Lanie and I built a super cool sand castle together, and Rylan was fun to follow to find seashells....for hours!! Josie even snuggled up to me a few times when watching a movie together and hung out with us on the beach at night looking up at the stars. It was fun to be able to be one on one with my kids at different times...and then also seeing them all play together too. This vacation has given us all some fun memories. I think one thing I will always remember is the way the sunshine would reflect a similar shade of golden brown in all my kid's eyes. I have Chemo to thank for that too.

Anyone who knows me knows I cannot sit still for long. I decided it was high time to dig out the massive ugly spiky prickly plant in the very front of my yard....and get rid of the lame river of rocks around it. Now moving river rocks really doesn't take a whole lot of brain activity. You can't dig them up so you basically just have to get yourself comfortable on the ground and pick them each up one by one. I don't own a wheel barrel so my boy's John Deer Tractor wagon comes in handy for getting large amounts of the rocks moved....or I just throw them occasionally, whatever works. So after about the 5th load of river rocks that had been relocated, I jumped back after I had moved a rock that must have been a little bug's home. Whatever it was quickly kept hiding under another rock. I was stupidly curious and when I finally was able to get a closer look, I noticed it was a lizard the size of my thumb with a black and white tail. I tried to mind my own business and give it some space but it just didn't get far enough away from me so when I went to move a rock too quickly I think I smashed it's little tiny head. I felt so mean and clumsy and hoped to the state of Arizona that it wasn't a gila monster since they're a protected species out here. I respectfully took it's picture and since it was permanently still clinging to the rock I just moved it to a quiet place in the front yard. That was the exciting landscaping adventure of my morning, and it wasn't until later that afternoon that I realized I was going to need better tools to get the plant out of my yard besides just my shovel. I had been hacking and hacking and hacking away at it for a few hours with no success, so I knew it was time to call in a favor. I needed the man with the ax. The rootball expert. My Dad always has the perfect tool for these things. I'm sure I amuse him with my strange obsessions to finish a project, but none of my kids were getting dinner until every last root had been hacked. After 3 tries with a chain attached to my van, we got the devil plant out. I'm pretty sure the neighborhood was relieved too since at one point I was flying my next door neighbors rusty old pick ax away at it. I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the dullest either. So when Chemo asked me what I did that day, I'll bet he never would have guessed.

3 year old boys really should be watched at all times....and it was one of those days where I was trying to get a lot of projects and errands done and thought I could do it all. While I had been in the garage staining furniture, Rylan had entertained himself with Josie's powder foundation, and went upstairs to add some of my mascara all over his arm. After cleaning all that off, the next time I checked on him he had chocolate on his lips and found out he had eaten all the mint m&m's. During our visit to the grocery store, instead of sitting inside the carshaped cart, he decided it was funner to sit on the top of it. Then, at Michaels, he disappeared on my way to the checkout lane to stare at the scary Halloween aisle. 10 minutes after attempting naptime, he decided to get up to do some jumping off of the couch and then climbed up over the stair railing. I had finally reached my limit, so I got down to eye-level with him, and instead of him listening to my reprimanding, he wanted to let me know my eyes were broken. At first I didn't know what he meant, but I noticed he was looking very, very closely, and must have noticed my blood shot eyes. I was tired, but wether he knew it or not, I did. I had been breaking the "thou shalt rest" commandment too long, and knew it was high time for a nap. The rest of the laundry, the furniture, the dishes, the rootbeer spilled on the bed, and everything else was just going to have to wait until both of our eyes stayed closed for a while.

A year ago to this week I ran 20 miles. I literally woke up at 2:30 a.m. to eat breakfast then drove in my car to hide about 6 different gatorades where I knew I'd pass along my run. Unlike the actual marathon I was training to run in Chicago the next month, there were no people cheering me on, and it was just me, myself, and I. This was the day that would truly define if I'd know I could do it or not and I wanted to prove to myself I would if I put my mind to it. One of my favorite parts of training those early mornings leading up to this was that I would occasionally see a hawk high up in the sky and would remember the verse in Isaiah 40:31:
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

So about my 18th mile I was dragging, my feet hurt, and was seriously considering taking a nap in the grass on the side of the road. I needed someone to yell at me to keep moving. And just then, as if God heard my thoughts, about 50 hawks all at once flew over my head, (I learned their true species is turkey vultures but usually leave out that detail out since close up they're not all that beautiful). I had to stop at the pure beauty of it and the specialness it felt that maybe they were sent out for me, just at that moment, to remind me that God was with me 100% of the way. That moment renewed my strength to finish those last 2 miles.

So I'm thinking back to last year at all I had accomplished and now thinking ahead again to January for my next marathon I've signed myself up for. Why another marathon? My answer sometimes is because I just don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing, and running simply clears my overthinking head. And sometimes my answer is that I'm not getting any younger and need a good challenge. Always my answer is that I love to be outside early before everyone else and am hoping for another "hawk moment".

I didn't know that laying on my kitchen tile floor could be so relaxing and hilarious at the same time. My kids caught a brief moment of their Mom laughing at herself uncontrollably. I say brief because in all the moments leading up to that point I was certainly not laughing....well, a few times I was. What started out as a small project turned into an extreme room makeover...and that required going through A LOT of stuff! I thought it was a genius idea to give a teenager several 3-drawer compartments to get organized, but as we unloaded we realized it was just a way that she was just "stuffing" her stuff. There were several moments of "Oh that's where I put that!" and my questioning: "what is this for?", or "where do you want to put this?", and my favorite: "I just don't know Mom". Ariel's cave of gadgets and gizmo's a plenty, and who's it's and what's it's galore just did not compare to the "treasures" we unloaded. We found a lifetime supply of glow in the dark sticky men, 10 different varieties of goofy glasses, kazoos, noisemaker things that when you turn them upside down it sounds like a dying cow, and other several items that only a 13 year old could entertain themselves for hours over. At one serious point she decided she was ready to pack up her American girl dolls and when we brought them down it appeared that they all had aged....they each had a coat of gray dust on their heads! I couldn't stop laughing with Josie as she in the middle of the chaos blowing off the dust while wearing a plastic shower cap and headband wrapped around her head. The project was making slow progress so eventually I took over while she took several ice-cream and facebook breaks. The dresser I spraypainted black for her wasn't quite dry and left a trail of black smears as I dragged it through the tile floor to her room....which was what brought me to the floor in the first place. It just felt so good to not be moving furniture or organizing for a moment. I noticed my kids were thoroughly entertaining themselves during my organization mission: Aydan was playing his 25th game of Wii, Josie was still on facebook, Lanie had a friend over, and Rylan fell asleep on his own on the couch, while ice-cream dishes were piled all over the sink. My family knows I'm a machine when it comes to cleaning or organizing and like to avoid my "GI-Jane" mode during the process, but I think it was good for them, (and myself), to have them actually hear me laugh at myself for scrubbing the floor as if my life depended on it. I should remember to laugh more often, and maybe get someone to scoop some ice cream for me too.

My husband trusts me with the grocery shopping. He doesn't even ask why we have about 20 boxes of cereal stacked up on the highest shelf of the pantry, maybe 20 toothpastes and brushes under our sink, 8 boxes of scalloped potatoes, 10 random salad dressings, and 25 cans of soup in addition to the rest of the food filling up our shelves. I actually didn't realize I had issues until I couldn't make the 6 boxes of spiderman gummies fit next to the cereal boxes. How did this happen? I'm pretty sure I have an "addiction" to getting the best deals on groceries, and I have to admit that I'm pretty darn good at it. One reason for my shelves being "over-stocked" is partly due to the fact that those deals are usually when you mix and match and buy 10 of them, and then I only buy those things when they're on sale and I have coupons that can be doubled to go with them....so pretty much everything in my pantry actually only cost me about 50 cents each, and sometimes free!! We're a family of 6 living off of one income so we have to find ways to cut corners. If ever there is a food crisis in Arizona, everyone is welcome to come on over to my place so we can survive a few extra months! There are always deals to be had, so I am forcing myself this week to feed the family out of our cabinets and freezer for a while....yay for scalloped potatoes!